Brace Yourselves, Programming Jokes Are Coming

Posted in Inspiration • 572 days ago • Written by Rean John Uehara • 6 Comments

Programming is a very tough job, I’ve done it and even though it’s a very challenging thing to do, you can’t just stay calm and composed every day. It is a highly stressful job, partly because of the client/boss requirements, and most of it is because of simple things we tend to forget…like a semicolon. For now, wipe away your worries and laugh merrily with this compilation of programming jokes, comics, anecdotes, and videos just for you!

Brace yourselves, programming jokes are coming. Even Eddard Stark says so!

Anecdotes

The following are short jokes about programming, all taken from reddit (because I freaking love that place). I’ve chosen the best jokes for you, if you want to read more just follow the link!

An engineer, a manager, and a programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says “We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next!” The engineer says, “Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and I’ll have us going in no time!” The programmer looks at them both and says, “Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.”

An int, a char and a string walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says “You’ll have to forgive them, they’re primitive types.”

A programmer’s wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, “get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, “they had eggs.”

God summons the devil and jesus, and he challenges them to a programming contest. God gives them the spec and they begin. Jesus and the devil write their code furiously. As the contest reaches the end, the power suddenly goes out for a moment, both of their monitors go blank, and reboot when the power comes back on. God asks to see the two programs. The Devil says that he had a good program, but he lost it when the power was out. Jesus had no such problem, and won the contest, because Jesus saves.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

A SQL query walks up to two tables in a restaurant and asks: “Mind if I join you?”
Eight bytes walk into a bar and say to the bartender: “Make us a double.”
Two strings walk into a bar. One says to the bartender: “I’ll have a beer*7jd@jh.” The other says: “Excuse my friend, he’s not null terminated.”

A man walks into a pet shop containing various different types of animals, and notices that they’re very expensive. He points at a monkey, and asks the pet shop owner “This monkey costs £40,000! Why is it so expensive?” The pet shop owner replies, “Ah, that’s a special monkey, that – it can program in Java – good for enterprise programming and web stuff.” The man looks around a bit more, and notices another more expensive monkey. He asks the pet shop owner “This one costs £50,000 – what does this one do?” The pet shop owner says “That’s a C++ monkey. More advanced, low-level and faster code.” The man accepts this and looks around the pet shop a bit more. He then sees another even more expensive monkey. “Good god – this monkey costs £70,000 – what on earth does it do?” he asks. “Well, I’ve never actually seen that monkey do anything,” said the pet shop owner, “but the other monkeys call it the project manager.”

A programmer goes out with a chick. Next day he tells his friend how the date went: “It was raining, we were soaked. We went to her place where she started to undress before me… Then she threw the wet clothes on the computer” – “Wow… what kind of computer?” – the other says.

Other Funny Comics and Videos

To lighten up the mood I have compiled several funny comics and videos related to programming that programmers will surely love! Don’t forget to add your favorite jokes and “excuses” too!

How does a Programmer become a Brogrammer?

This question was asked on Quora a couple of months back, and today there are plenty of people who have answered. Most of them are hilarious, going off the track of a stereotypical programmer, such as hitting the gym, doing push-ups in between coding, and many others. Below is a sneak peek of what you’ll see when you follow the link above.

Who Wouldn’t Hire Him?

Just so you know, clicking the image will open the source on a new window, there you can read more of things like this and, if you want, you can even buy his book!

10 Excuses of Programmers to a Non-technical Boss

1. “That’s weird.”
2. “But it worked yesterday!”
3. “It must be a hardware problem.”
4. “It works on my machine.”
5. “Your computer might be infected with a virus.”
6. “Someone must have changed my code..”
7. “It really does that.”
8. “Oh my God you broke it!” –  very effective for warding off the boss.
9. “Almost done.”
10. “Compiling!”

5 Things Programmers Wonder About Their Own Code

1. “Why are you not working?!”
2. “Why are you working?!”
3. “Where’s the missing semi-colon?!”
4. “What just happened?!”
5. “Who coded this sh@t?!”

Top 5 Words Commonly Uttered by Programmers

1. (removed by editor due to excessive profanity)
2. (removed by editor due to excessive profanity)
3. (removed by editor due to excessive profanity)
4. (removed by editor due to excessive profanity)
5. (removed by editor due to excessive profanity)

Question and Answer

• Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• A: None. They won’t touch it because it’s a hardware problem.

• Q: What do cats and programmers have in common?
• A: When either one is unusually happy and excited, an appropriate question would be, “did you find a bug?”

• Q: What is the most used language in programming?
• A: Profanity.

• Q: Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
• A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

• Q: How did the programmer die in the shower?
• A: He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

• Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
• A:Because he didn’t get arrays.

• Q: How do developers create shaman spells?
• A: Using a hex editor.

Videos

GUI interface using Visual Basic to track the killer’s IP address

Well, you know, why not call the killer’s ISP instead? I’m pretty sure they’d get a warrant for that. And Visual Basic? Seriously?

It’s a Unix system

//No comment

Interview for a C++ programming position

Although this animation is intended to be funny, there’s still a lingering taste of sourness because it happens in real life. After graduating college I was really looking forward to getting hired as a programmer. Job postings said “entry level” and “fresh graduates are welcome to apply”, but then they require applicants to have a “solid 2 year experience of working knowledge” in “many things”. What about compensation? Well, a peasant would be glad he’s a peasant.

So I got in for an interview after submitting my CV to several companies. Turns out, it wasn’t a programming job or anything related to information technology. I ended up with an engineering job, maintaining ICs. Now I’m here, and I’m loving it!

Angry Programmer?

Seriously, during my second class of programming in college this is how I almost reacted every time an error flashes on my compiler. One thing I had to do, when my buddy was with me working on a final project, was I left him for three hours inside my room while I went to the nearest shopping mall (1 hour away) just to chill, all because I didn’t know what to do with pointers (yeah, I’m a lazy one).

Time Lapse of a Programmer Hard(ly) at Work in His Cubicle

I don’t know why I watched the whole thing, I guess part of me can relate! How about you?

Comics and Images

Ballmer Peak

Truth be told there’s truth in this, not only within programming but it also applies on almost anything! And I’m about to share you a dark secret I’ve kept for years..the first OS I’ve used for my PC is Windows ME. ಠ_ಠ

Compiling

I really never got the chance to say this during my programming days because there are just a few hundred lines to compile (which only takes about 3 seconds to 5), but I can relate to the sword-fighting part. I mean, every programmer dreams of being Obi-Wan Kenobi, right?

Standards

It’s like saying, “let’s create the new Facebook killer!”

Good Code

Good code only happens during the first half of the coding, the rest is pure misery.

Open Source

For a much safer night you can have a cat.

Exploits of a Mom

Pointers

Ah, pointers, this is where my hell began during college.

8 Websites You Need To Stop Building

Always Put Enough Comments in Your Code!

Bracket All The Things!

Programming Reality

Tan Lines of a Programmer

Typical Project’s Completion Timeline

Hello World and Jackie Chan

Your turn to share your favorite jokes, comics, videos, and stories!